


If Only

by HouseAu3



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: CFFAF, Day12, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Healing, M/M, Pre-Slash, Skin, Sorrow, petrichor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 10:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7167125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HouseAu3/pseuds/HouseAu3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were moments when Barry thought <em>maybe</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only

It’s the first time in months that Central City has seen any rain. Barry closes his eyes and breathes. He never quite knows how to describe the smell. It’s just - real. It makes him think of the world, of everything surrounding him. The air gains a presence and he can’t stop noticing every breath he takes. He’s suddenly hyper-aware of his own body, alive and living.

“Flash.” Lisa’s voice cuts through the sound of raindrops hitting the rooftop. “Barry.”

Barry pulls back his cowl and looks up at the sky. The sun’s still blindingly bright. The rain’s cool on his forehead, his cheeks, his hands. He tilts his head back.

“Hi.”

Lisa gives him a small smile. “Slacking off?”

“I thought crime would finally sleep for a little while, but then crime came to my doorstep.”

Lisa snorts. “You can’t fool me, Barry Allen. You get lonely when the rogues are laying low.”

Barry turns back and grins at her. It’s been less than a week since the last time they saw each other, but - “I did miss you,” he says. Honesty comes to him easily these days.

“You big sap.” Lisa’s eyes are soft when she punches Barry on the shoulder. “Want to catch a movie? I can use some company today.”

Barry hip-checks her in lieu of an answer. She laughs and puts him into a headlock.

*

Barry can’t pinpoint when it all started. One day he simply realized that they had become friends. The man who had once been his enemy was in his kitchen trying to scrounge up something to eat, mocking the sorry state of his poor excuse of a kitchen. Barry shouted at him to stop being a snob, and if he hated Barry’s kitchen so much he could get his ass back to his own.

Something cold hit his forehead. Barry reached for it reflexively and got a handful of shaved ice.

“I don’t know why people think you’re the mature one,” Barry grumbled. “Where did this come from?”

“Because I actually have edible food at home rather than living on frozen pizzas and peanut butter.” Len shoved the bowl of shaved ice into Barry’s hand and sat down on the couch with his own. “I broke the ice with my bare hands, of course.”

Barry rolled his eyes. “You trying to give me food poisoning?”

“Right. I’m pulling a heist tomorrow and hopefully you’ll be spending your day on a toilet.”

He snickered at the deadpan look on Len’s face, and Len curved his lips into a half-smile. It wasn’t until this moment that the realization hit Barry. This was what they were now. They teased and mocked and joked. They felt comfortable around each other. They were  _ hanging out at Barry’s flat _ .

“When did we become friends?” Barry blurted out. Len barked out a laugh.

“You, Barry Allen, are something else.”

Barry shook his head. “Seriously, I mean, when? How?”

Len’s laughter sounded like it was startled out of him. Sometimes Barry can still feel it reverberating in his chest, low and infectious.

*

Cisco texts him about the metahuman when the movie’s just about to start. Barry groans and buries his face in his hands.

“You and your luck,” Lisa says, a resigned look on her face. “Let’s get it over with.”

“It” is a woman who can induce hallucination simply by talking. Lisa arrives at the scene and knocks the woman out while Barry’s busy drowning in the puddle of his own tears. It’s not his finest moment, but Lisa, for once, doesn’t tease him about it. Instead, she helps Cisco carry the woman into Caitlin’s car and steers Barry toward her bike.

“Hop on. Let’s leave before the journalists start crowding in.”

Barry wipes his tears away. It’s been almost a year since he last cried this hard. “I can run faster.”

Lisa tosses him a helmet. “And I’m asking you to slum it for a mere mortal. I’m not leaving my bike here.”

“Yeah.” Barry sniffs. “Okay.”

If he clings to Lisa a little tighter than usual, Lisa doesn’t comment on it.

*

Everyone around them was more than a little confused about their friendship - Barry still couldn’t use the word to describe themselves without snickering - but to be fair, Barry didn’t know how to explain it either. It simply happened. One day, fighting Captain Cold stopped feeling like an obligation and started feeling like a comfort. One day, running into Leonard Snart stopped ending up in a fight and started ending up in a talk or a movie or a drink.

One day, he passed out on the street after a fight and woke up in a car with a parka over him.

“Call me Len,” Leonard Snart said from the driver seat, “or I’ll start calling you Bartholomew,” and just like that, Len was only Len when they were alone, and Barry was only Barry.

Sometimes, Barry still wonders what Len was thinking that day. Sometimes, Barry hopes Len didn’t pick him up. Sometimes, Barry’s terrified that none of this has happened.

*

“Lisa.” Hartley looks up from behind his laptop. “Oh, you bring the cute one. What’s the occasion? You finally decide to leave Cisco for him?”

“Who said we aren’t in a polyamorous relationship?” Lisa smirks. “Dream big, Rathaway, dream big.”

“Oh, I always do. I’m very accomodating.”

Barry chokes. Hartley chuckles and throws him an energy bar.

“Thanks.” Barry shoots him a smile. Hartley waves a hand at him dismissively.

“Someone has to eat that shit. Lisa keeps stashing them in the kitchen.”

“Oh, I’m not the only one; I counted.” Lisa gives Barry a mug full of coffee. The reindeer mug, to be exact. He snorts and takes a sip. “Admit it. You’re a closet softie who can’t help but feed him.”

“With ulterior motive, I assure you.”

“You’re a lying liar who lies, Hart.”

“And you’re an eight-year-old, Lise.”

Barry laughs. As weird as it seems, this feels like coming home.

*

They weren’t exactly hiding, but whenever someone close to Barry realized that they were friends, there were always questions and threats and accusations. It got to the point that Barry wanted to just break into a TV station and broadcasted, “I’m friend with Leonard Snart, a.k.a. Captain Cold. Fucking deal with it.” Len laughed and congratulated Barry’s friends and family for finally driving Barry to do crime while Len had never succeeded in doing so. Barry groaned and knocked his head against the table.

Cisco was the first to come around. “I don’t wanna be a hypocrite, you know.” Caitlin was understanding enough, and only asked him to be careful. “A lot has changed. I know nothing is as black-and-white as I’d like to believe.” Iris was upset mostly because Barry had never told her, and Barry had had a lifetime of practice in asking for her forgiveness. “Now my only question is why you are only friends.” Joe was much calmer than Barry had expected, but was adamant that Barry was making a huge mistake. “He’s betrayed you once, Barry. How do you know he won’t betray you again?”

Oliver’s reaction might be the worst, but Barry didn’t like to think about it. Otherwise he would get mad again and do something really, really stupid.

Lisa and Mick didn’t know he was the Flash at the beginning, and didn’t seem to care that Len was hanging out with a CSI. When Barry asked Len about it, Len only smirked. It wasn’t until much later that he realized Lisa and Mick thought Barry was Len’s inside man in the CCPD. Barry was reasonably insulted and actually scrounged up enough evidence to link most of the rogue’s recent thefts together. The day the discovery hit headline he was grabbed from the street by Mick and Lisa. When he was tossed into the van Len smirked and patted the seat next to him. Barry shot him a glare and lay down with his head on Len’s lap.

The way Mick and Lisa looked at each other in confusion was almost worth the hassle. The way Len broke into a wide grin and shared a conspiring look with Barry like a schoolboy was definitely worth all the hassle and the questions that were bound to come.

*

“Allen.” Mick kicks the door close with his arms full of takeout. None of them are much of a cook. Barry’s absolutely helpless. “Make yourself useful since we’re gonna feed you.”

“I could pay for the food myself, you know.” Barry cleans up the table anyway and grabs a six-pack from the fridge. He still can’t get drunk, but it’s the principle of the thing.

“You’re guaranteed free food for life.” Mick puts the bags down on the table and grabs a bottle of beer. “Doesn’t mean I can’t make you sweat for it.”

“It takes much more than that to make me sweat, Rory,” Barry retorts. “You’ll have to try harder.”

Rory barked out a laugh. “Nice. I see these two have taught you well.”

“Oh, we’ve taught him nothing.” Lisa nudges Barry with her elbow. “He’s just full of surprises.”

“He’s got a mouth on him,” Hartley takes a gulp of beer. “Apparently he’s also a human vibrator.”

Barry splutters and shoots Lisa a betrayed look. Lisa hooks her arm around his and laughs into his shoulder.

*

Barry wasn’t fast enough.

Len had never once begged or screamed. Instead, he laughed. It was the laugh of a proud man in pain, of a stubborn man denying his torturers any satisfaction, of a friend comforting another friend in the worst way possible. Barry didn’t want Len to be fearless; he wanted him to be alive.

When he finally, finally got the anklet off and got his speed back, the laughter had stopped. He refused to think about what it meant. He couldn’t think about what it meant. The moment he phased through the wall to the other cell, however, his sight was reduced to the lifeless, damaged body of his dear friend.

The room was silent. The man with the blood-stained knife was petrified. Every cell in Barry’s body was screaming. His blood was frozen and burning at the same time.

He walked toward the man, slowly, very slowly. The man backed away until his back hit the wall, trembling. Sometimes Barry still wonders what he looked like at that time. He’d never been menacing even after he became the Flash. It was the first time someone looked at him with nothing but abject fear.

He remembers holding Len’s body close. He remembers someone calling his name. He remembers his own scream. Then, nothing.

*

They’re in the living room throwing popcorn at each other when Iris texts him. A simple “you alright?” and a “How does so much food fit into your fridge?”

Barry chuckles.  _ I’m at Lisa’s. The fridge is magic, of course. _

_ Of course. Linda made cupcakes. I left some in your fridge. _

_ Tell her I said thanks. _

Lisa leans in to peek at his phone. Barry doesn’t stop her. “Oooh, cupcakes. Can I have some?”

Barry shrugs. “You’re gonna loot my fridge even if I say no.”

Lisa grins. “Now you’re learning. You two want some?”

“Pass,” Mick grunts.

“Only if it’s tea or coffee,” says Hartley.

“You’re as bitter as your taste, Hart.” Lisa gets to her feet and puts her arm around Barry’s shoulders. “Give me a ride. Let’s see if your flat is a little more presentable now.”

“My flat is perfectly fine, thank you.” Barry gathers her into his arms. “Buckle up.”

Lisa holds onto the nape of his neck and presses her face into his chest.

*

The next few days after Len’s death, he was a man possessed. He found everyone who was even remotely responsible for Len and his capture and paid them a visit. It was all too easy to threaten them into turning themselves in. In some part of his mind he must have known there was something wrong with himself, but he went on and on and on. It wasn’t until he ran into Lisa in one of his target’s house that he really looked at what he had been doing.

“I sent him out on a walk.” Lisa sat on the couch with the gold gun in her hand. Her face was pale, but her hands were steady. “I’m the last person who would be saying this, Flash. You have to stop.”

“I can’t - they killed him. They killed your brother, and you want me to stop? You’re everything to Len. You - ”

Lisa was at her feet in an instant, pushing Barry against the wall with the gun pointing at his chin. Her eyes were blazing with rage and raw pain. “He was everything to me. Everything. So don’t you dare question me because I don’t approve of your misguided plan of revenge. You aren’t avenging him. You’re on a rampage and destroying the city he loves.”

Barry knew.

He knew that he was losing control. He knew the city was starting to fear the Flash. He knew CCPD was starting to doubt if they had made a mistake trusting a dangerous man hidden behind a mask. He knew his friends and family were trying to pull him back from the edge.

“My brother was friendly with the Flash,” Lisa whispers. “But Barry Allen was his  _ friend _ . Let Barry mourn him.”

Barry sobbed.

He didn’t try to stop himself from crying, didn’t try to muffle the sound, couldn’t even if he had wanted to. Lisa pulled him into her arms and took a long, deep breath. Her cheek was damp against his neck.

“I heard him die,” Barry said. He dreamed of it every night. He dreamed of Len’s laughter, of the moment everything fell silent, of the lifeless body covered in wounds and blood. “He was hurt so badly. Cuts on top of cuts on top of old injury and scars. There was so much blood. But _ I don’t even have a mark. _ ”

Barry watched all his wounds heal. They healed so perfectly no one could even tell he had been wounded in the first place. Len died, and Barry couldn’t even see the evidence of that night on his skin.

His body forgot everything.

“I miss him. I miss him so much.” He went back home and all he could see was Len lying on his couch with both his legs over the back. All he could hear was Len making bad jokes and mocking Barry for failing to be an adult. He ran, and ran, and ran, but no one could outrun a ghost. Len was everywhere. In the city, in Barry’s flat, in Barry’s head. But not on his skin, his bone, his body.

“You are a good friend, Barry Allen,” Lisa says, her voice soft but firm. “Now act like one.”

That night, Lisa took him to a tattoo parlor and introduced him to Len’s tattooist. Barry drew all the scars he should have had from that night, and the tattooist injected it under his skin without a question asked. He had been worried that his body would heal even the ink, but for once, the memories stayed on his skin and didn’t fade.

*

“Do you love him?”

Barry looks up from the sink and stops the movement of his hands. “What?”

“Lenny,” Lisa says, pronouncing the word carefully, as if she were practicing a foreign language. They don’t make it a habit to talk about Len, and they don’t always call him by their respective name for the man they’ve lost. It’s easier to talk around Len, to talk about what he did instead of who he was.

“As a friend, definitely.”

Lisa hums. “And as something more?”

“You’re the one complaining about people assuming romance is more important than friendship - ”

“Barry.”

Barry puts the plate on the rack and wipes his hands clean. “I probably would have eventually.” And there were moments when Barry thought  _ maybe _ . When Barry had a bad day and Len only had to make a joke, when Barry was being stubborn and Len got through to him with a simple “Listen”, when Barry couldn’t stop dwelling on the past and Len made a concoction with Caitlin that finally got him drunk - Barry thought about  _ what if _ , and  _ maybe _ , and  _ almost _ .

“You’ll be good for him.” Lisa leans against the counter, a soft smile tugging at her lips. “You fit, somehow.”

Barry took her hand in his. “It’s the greatest mystery in the world.”

“You and your curious relationship with your criminals.”

“Please don’t quote the Arrow,” Barry grumbles. Lisa chuckles and lays her cheek on the counter.

“It warms my little heart just how pissed you are with the Arrow.”

“He was so wrong and he still hasn’t apologized.”

Lisa raises an eyebrow. “He has to me. And to you, I believe.”

“Not to Len.”

Lisa breaks into a wide smile and reaches out to ruffle Barry’s hair.

*

Barry Allen found all the evidence needed to convict everyone involved in Len’s death. The Flash went on national TV to apologize for his recent behavior and explained his personal relationship with Leonard Snart. Barry Allen reconnected with his friends and family. The Flash went back to keeping the city safe.

It rained on Len’s funeral. It was the first time in months that Central City had seen any rain. Barry closed his eyes and breathed. He never quite knew how to describe the smell, but he remembered what Len had said about liking it. “It’s real, grounding.” Len looked up at the sky. Drops of rain were caught in his eyelashes, glittering under the sun. “Every breath I take reminds me of my living body. Remind me of the world around me.”

“Barry.” Lisa’s voice cut through the sound of raindrops hitting the ground. “You’re early.”

Barry looked up at the sky. The rain was cool on his forehead, his cheeks, his hands. He tilted his head back and smiled.

“He’d be pissed if I were late.”

**Author's Note:**

> I had a dream a couple weeks ago about Len dying when he and Barry were just about to become friends. I can't quite remember the details, but the idea stayed with me. When I saw CFFAF's keywords for Day 12 I couldn't stop thinking about that. I'm not exactly sure why I chose to write them as close friends in the first place, but I really like their interaction, so I just kept going from there.


End file.
